Four Man Caravan
by WolfButler
Summary: Butler, his two brothers Rob and Tom and their Dad go on a camping trip. Set when Butler was a kid. Not very interesting? You'd be surprised...


**This is a kinda funny short story but more serious than another of my first one. Sorry, it does not contain any fairies (or does it?), or any Artemis. But if you like Butler, my Other Characters, and Family Moments between them, then you should like this!!**

**Eoin Colfer owns less than me in this story!! (shock horror gasp!!) He owns Butler... but not the idea of him once being small enough to fit in a four man caravan bunk bed... Let me rephrase that, Butler once being small enough to fit in a four man caravan, full stop.**

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_**Four Man Caravan**_

Fergus Butler, also known as the General, was seriously regretting ever even suggesting that he take the boys on a camping trip. Especially in his brand new pride and joy, bullet proof Tracker 0.7, sleek black titanium steel with checker plate steps, a shiny new silver front grill, front winch and tow bar, army land rover. The vehicle was currently pulling a not so state of the art four man caravan which he would be living in with the boys for the next three or so days, depending on how bad this holiday turned out. Sometimes he doubted if they had what it took to be proper Butlers. He supposed that he and the boys might find out in this little excursion whether they really were tough enough. "The Boys" in question, were his sons, the eldest, Roben, 12, then Domovoi, 10 and finally Tomas, who was 7. The last mentioned son was currently complaining that his bladder was about to explode all over the back seat in about four and a half seconds. Fergus thought this was highly unlikely as Tom had been saying these exact words constantly for about four and a half minuets and nothing had occurred yet.  
"For Lord's sake son!! They wouldn't let you just _go_ in the army so neither am I!!"  
"But Daaaaaaaaaaaad" Tom whined.  
Fergus used the technique of extreme ignoring, which involved playing a tune very loudly in your head and blocking out all other noise. He found this worked rather well with his sons.

"We're here boys" their father said, three minuets and seven seconds later. Apparently three seconds too late. As Rob suddenly screamed  
"Argh!! Evacuate!! Evacuate!! Flood defences have failed!!"  
Fergus head butted the steering wheel. Damn.

After a quick change and a mopping up mission on the back seat the Butler Boys began searching for sticks and leaves to make a fire. They assured him they would have enough for a reasonable sized campfire but seeing as though the rain was bouncing off the tin roof of the caravan Fergus was setting up, he seriously doubted they would find enough dry wood to warm a field-mouse let alone themselves. However, if this experience had taught him anything so far it was:

1. Don't doubt what your sons tell you.

"Dom. I don't _really _think this is a good idea." Said Roben, the most sensible and mature(apparently).  
"Don't be daft. It's perfectly safe. It's holding me, isn't it?"  
"Only just , fatty" said Tom,

"Shut it, ginger" said Rob, and then "Come back!! If you fall in then I am so _not_ jumping in after you"  
His younger brother looked at him as though he was daft, which actually, if you counted looking for dry wood in the middle of a rainstorm, daft, they all were.  
"It's not like I could get any wetter" Dom said as water dripped down his nose. A drip fell and he followed its descent, looking down into the swirling water below him. "And we can all swim"  
"OK... but I'm telling Dad that it's all you're fault when we all drown." Rob huffed, reluctantly climbing onto the mossy log that stretched across the river.

Five minuets later the three lads were stood in a dark damp cave, where there was, sadly, no wood, dry or otherwise.  
"I _told_ you this was a stupid idea."  
"Oh shush. It was Tom who thought there would be dry leaves under here."  
"And you listened to pee-pee-pants?"  
"Hey!!"  
"Well you came too!!"  
This arguing might possibly have continued until the next day. Or week. Or year. Or maybe until they all dropped dead of old age, who knows? As at that point a low rumbling growl caused the brothers to abandon their squabbling in favour of running for their lives as something very large and very hairy stretched a viciously clawed arm towards them. Dom turned as he fled and saw the hand withdraw rapidly away from the stream of water as though it was burned by it. He kept on running.

"Dad!! Dad!! We saw _something_ across the river!!"  
"It was _huge_!!"  
"It _growled_ like this!!" Tom imitated the sound.  
"Probably a bear." Their father said, not looking up from his book: "_Cedric, I have decided to take you up on your offer..."_  
"Oh come on Dad!! In _Ireland_?"  
"A boar then" Fergus suggested vaguely , turning the page in his book: _"I will marry you..." _Oh good, Fergus thought, I wanted that to happen. _He embraced her lovingly..._  
"Dad!! It had claws!!"  
Fergus sighed putting down his book, which was according to the dustcover was "Guarding the President" by , but really it was "Sunset Flowers" by Amelia Rose. Hopefully his sons would never find out his secret love of romance novels. But he himself would never find out that he accidently passed this liking onto all three of his sons, who all in turn hoped that no one would ever find out about this either.  
"I think its time for bed now boys" Fergus said. "Now come on."

A little while later Rob, Dom and Tom were in their beds. Actually Dom and Rob were in the bunk beds, Rob bagsied tops, and Tom was sharing the double with his father, much to his brothers' amusement. Fergus went to bed soon after, but none of them slept straight away. The rain saw to that, and then the snoring kept the last person awake after that. Finally, Fergus decide he would be better off in the car and so woke up the next morning with a stiff neck.

In the middle of the night Rob sat up suddenly whacked his head on the caravan roof and promptly lay down again. When the white lights had gone from his vision he listened carefully.  
"Pssst!! Dom!!"  
The snoring was replaced by groaning after a bump indicated that Dom too, was now seeing stars.  
"Ouch!! Bugger!! Pants!! Poo!! Damn!!" the stream of all the bad words they knew came flooding out of Dom's mouth as he rubbed his own head.  
"Shhh!!" At this Tom woke up too.  
"What's going on? Where's Dad?"  
"Shhh!!" Rob repeated "I heard something" that got them listening.  
"The beast?" Tom whispered, his face pale in the half light.  
"Listen" a rumbling noise was coming from outside.  
After several seconds of listening Dom, the relatively brave one, said  
"I'm going to look"  
"Don't be stupid!! It'll get you!!" squeaked Tom. But Dom ignored him. Climbing onto Rob's bunk he lifted the skylight.  
"It's ok!! False alarm!! It's Dad. He's asleep in the car and snoring like a warthog"  
"It was more of a rustle though" Rob said doubtfully.  
"Well I can't see anything. Maybe it's..." And that's when _it _hit the side of the caravan, sending Dom crashing to the floor and the skylight slamming shut. All three boys screamed. Tom however out did the other two on the girl-o-meter by screeching so high pitched that whatever _was _outside ran away grunting in pain. All three boys ended up in the big bed that night. But when their father came in in the morning, the boys were already up making breakfast.  
"Make sure you put that out before you go exploring, we don't want to cause a forest fire." He had warned them. "The waters in the blue jerry can round the back of the caravan."  
"Forest fire!! Honestly!!" they had muttered. "All the wood's soaking wet, it'd never light!!"

Fergus Butler was not happy. Quite frankly, his night the car had been rubbish. He didn't remember sleeping a wink. And he had got out of the car to find that something had scratched the paint, which, according to the seller, was impossible as it was made of the toughest titanium reinforced that was almost bomb-proof. He would be having words. Not nice words either. Probably short sharp words that... His mental rant was cut short by the campfire suddenly erupting into a bonfire along with the cry of:  
"NO!! Tom that's the petrol not the water!!"  
"Oh. I thought he said the red one."  
Luckily Dom came round the corner with the blue one at that moment and ensured both that the forest was safe from burning and that Tom needed to change his trousers for the third time that camping trip. Fergus shook his head. He decided that if he got out of this trip unscathed, he would pay £100 to the nearest charity for flying pigs.

Later that day the boys decided to "brave the cave". It didn't seem quite as scary in the sunshine.  
"Maybe it was nothing"  
"I _saw_ it, we all did"  
"Still though..."  
The rest of the day was spent building a tree house in the branches of an enormous Oak that stood next to the river, some of it's branches trailed in the water. It had taken lots of leg ups, the tow rope from the car and a big branch to reach the tree house branches so later they made a rope ladder that could be drawn up when it needed to be and even a sort of swing made from a piece of wooden board that held all three of them at once. The house itself had a waterproof tarpaulin roof and walls that encompassed the huge trunk. There were no windows as although Fergal had given them the tow rope from the car, they had had to nick the tarp and he didn't trust them with glass. The building of took all day, but finally it was finished. As they sat back admiring it, they realised it was going dark, they felt safe in the arms of the great tree though, and didn't really want to go.  
"We better get back. We told Dad we'd be back an hour ago." Rob said half heartedly, looking at his light up digital watch.  
"Vote on it?" asked Tom. "I vote we stay."  
"Dad'll be mad though, you know what he's like about all that 'punctuality' lark"

"Nah, he won't remember. Anyway, we're doing something constructive and army-ish" Dom said swinging upside-down off one of the branches.  
"Be careful Dom. You'll fall and I am soooo not carrying you back."  
"Don't be stupid. I'm not that dumb"  
"You are" muttered Tom.  
"Am not" said Dom said swinging upright.  
"Shh!!" Rob said. "It's that noise again. The shuffly one. It's coming from over there" he pointed.  
"What?" said Dom reverting back to bat-boy to have a better look "Snothing there..."  
That's when the noise's owner reared up and roared into his face. The next few moments were those frozen ones you see it cartoons where no one moves. Then Tom screamed his girl scream and the beast staggered away holding it's head in taloned hands. Dom scrambled back to the safety of the tree house.  
"That was close" he joked shakily.  
The creature snorted at them and tried to climb up the steep trunk. The brothers huddled together.  
"We need to get it to go away, any ideas?" Rob whispered as the monster repeatedly tried to reach it's next meal.  
"We know it doesn't like high pitched noises, so what do we have?"  
"This" Tom said picking up the backpack that had contained their lunches. It was emptied but had nothing noisy until Tom noticed a whistle clipped onto the side of the pack. It was a bright orange survival-whistle which Rob bagsied. Then Dom remembered his dog whistle, he hadn't thought of it before because they couldn't hear it, but maybe the beast could.  
"Ready?" asked Rob. His brothers nodded nervously. "3...2...1...NOW!!"  
All three used they're weapons of ear assault while holding their hands over their ears. Tom screeched and Rob and Dom blew for all they were worth on the whistles. The monster howled in pain and fled.

Something else heard the commotion too. Their Father. Damn those stupid idiots and their imaginations he cursed. Most likely Tom had got his pants caught on a barbed wire fence. Or they were being chased be a savage sheep. Even so, he picked up his gun, put down his book (reluctantly as he only had 104 pages left to go) and headed off into the forest to find his sons.

The troll, for that was what it was in case you haven't guessed yet, was rather irritated. It was a young juvenile male who had found his way up an abandoned shuttle shoot and come out into a cave. Oh the good fortune, there was lunch welcoming him to the surface he thought. Or would have, if his brain could have formulated such a complicated thought. Instead it had just thought "Food. Get. Kill. Eat. Food" unfortunately a horrible substance which washed some of the dirt off it's hand, shock horror, was falling from the sky. The troll had decided not to follow until it stopped. Hours later it had followed the scent to a big white box and a smaller black box. It had just been about to open the black one and eat the pink thing inside when it heard the other hairless food in the white box. There was more of them so he headed over but just as he hit the side a horrible noise had made him want to lie down and hold his head until the morning, which, making his way back to the opening of the shoot he did. Actually, he was doing the same now, heading back to the cave with a splitting headache, when the big pink thing came crashing through the undergrowth shouting out 3 short sharp syllables. The noise didn't hurt, because it was so low, so he decided to get it. Get. Food. Yum.

"Rob!!Dom!! Tom!! Where the hell are you?" Fergus shouted. This was ridiculous. They were probably back at camp. If they weren't, he decided, he would get a better torch and look for them again. They would be in the caravan. Making a cup of tea most likely.

He was right about the first but not the second. The boys were gathered around the tiny wooden table discussing their Father's whereabouts.  
"He'll have gone for a pee"  
"He would have used the chemical toilet"  
"I doubt it"  
They snorted over the idea of their rather large Dad fitting into the miniscule compartment let alone weeing in it. To be fair, it was about the size of the airing cupboard back at home, in fact, the cupboard was probably bigger. Ten minuets later though, they were less jovial.  
"What if we scared the beast over here and it got Dad!!" Tom snuffled, starting to get upset.  
"Nothing could get Dad. Don't worry, Dad would probably get it!!" Rob said putting her arm round his little brother.  
"Unless it caught him with his trousers down" sniggered Dom.  
"Shut it!!" Rob said  
"I meant unprepared!!"  
"Dad's never unprepared. Don't worry, he'll be fine."  
And that's when a gunshot rang out.  
"DAD!!" yelled all three boys together.

The troll bellowed as the bullet buried itself in his chest. He swung his arm at the offending pink thing and send it flying into the clearing. It jumped to it's feet and ran. The troll lumbered after it until it climbed a tree. Roaring in frustration the troll began trying to uproot it. Not good. Thought Fergus. Not Good at all. Lesson one of the trip: Don't doubt what your sons tell you. He thought miserably. He became even less optimistic at the thought that his sons were now his only hope of escape.

"We have to get to him" Rob said decidedly.  
"Uh duh. But how?" Tom chipped in.  
"We could always use the car" Dom said waving the keys and grinning.

Five minuets later, Rob and Dom were arguing over who was driving.  
"I beat you on the go-karts!!"  
"Once!! I've beaten you hundreds of times and anyway, I'm the oldest and I have longer legs so there!!"  
Another shot rang out and Dom had to admit that Rob was four and a half inches taller than him so got to drive. However, Rob couldn't comfortably reach the gear stick and press the clutch pedal so Dom was put in charge of the gears at Rob's instruction of "Ready, steady, now!!". Tom would have been put in charge of map reading, but they didn't have a map. So instead he had to make do with being the one in the back shouting "DAD!!" out of the open sunroof.

The creature was getting closer to knocking over his perch. Soon he would have to make a jump for it. Steadying himself on a branch no thicker than his arm, he shot at the creature to distract it, then made a flying leap towards the nearest bigger, stronger looking tree. Unfortunately, if Fergus Butler, and indeed any Butler, were closely related to any sort of monkey; it was likely to be a Mountain Gorilla, and not a lemur or other long jumping mammal. He would have made it if he was on his own, but unfortunately he wasn't on his own. He was with the troll. Who decided as Fergus made his bid for freedom to swing his claws at his pink attacker, who had just added another lump of metal to his chest tissue. The resulting swipe was vicious enough to completely knock Fergus upwards and to the left of his intended target and crashing into the tree's trunk instead of the branch he was aiming for. The impact would have been efficient enough to knock him unconscious but added to the fact that he ended up hung awkwardly upside-down, one foot stuck in the fork of the tree. Something snapped. Not the tree. Ouch. Thought Fergus as he blacked out.

The troll was just about to do his killer move, a quick chop to the jugular, or hang on, what about the heart? His target being upside down didn't help his concentration. The troll cocked it's head trying to see it's prey up the right way. Then it heard something. A buzzing noise. Like an annoying insect. It was getting closer and closer. Lights cut through the darkness. The troll didn't like lights, but it wanted it's meal.

Rob swung the land-rover not so expertly through the trees more than grazing its flanks off more than a few trees. Oh well if we save his life, he can't really kill us for bashing up the car a tad ... CRUNCH!! OK, perhaps a bit more than a tad, he thought.  
"It's there!! And so's Dad!!" Tom yelled.  
"Strap yourselves in guys, this is going to be rough!!" warned Rob, slamming his foot down on the accelerator.

HONK HONK HONK!! The vehicle steam trained towards the troll, skidding to a stop underneath the hanging man. Tom scrambled up and unhooked his Dad from the tree and dragging the rest of his body into the safety of the car. The roof slid shut and Rob roared away.  
"5th Gear!! 5th Gear !! 3,2,1!!"  
Tom's face swum in and out of focus as Fergus tried to surface out of the blackness.  
"Whaa...?" he asked.  
"Watch that tree!!"  
"There it is!! It's after us!! Step on it Rob!!"  
Fergus decided he didn't really want to know, and let himself slip back into the blackness.

The troll knew something its prey didn't. There was a big dip in the ground just ahead.

The car flew off the drop and spun into a terrifying roll. It landed on its wheels nose down at the edge of the river but the engine cut out. Rob swore loudly and tried desperately to restart it. It coughed and spluttered but nothing happened. The troll closed in.  
"Maybe it won't be able to get in" Tom said hopefully. The first slam hit the back of the car jolting it further into the mud. They sat in silence as the troll smashed into the car again and again. Dom grabbed hold of his Father's SigSaur, it was a comfort thing. Just as the bullet proof windows began to show spider web cracks he decided to go for it. Flipping the lock on the door he jumped out before Rob could grab him. The troll lunged, but it was on the drivers side of the car. The passenger door slammed shut as Dom slid over the bonnet firing the gun at the beast as it tried to grab him. He splashed into the cold water, snagging the front winch as he went. Kicking desperately he struggled to keep his head above the torrent. Flailing the arm not gripping the winch rope he caught hold of a branch. But not just any branch. Seeing how close they were to their tree house, Dom had decided to try something. He didn't tell his brothers because they would have tried to stop him. Realising what he was trying to do Rob gave him a thumbs up through the cracking glass. Flopping onto the shore, Dom crawled to the trunk, ran round it and secured the winch.

Back inside the car, Rob couldn't believe what his brother was doing. But he activated the winch cord anyway, hoping, praying this crazy idea would work.

Back on the far bank, the troll couldn't believe what the pink thing was doing had been hurt by the small pink thing. It was angry. But all it could do was stare dumbly as the car floated in to the middle of the river and over to the other side, powered, although the troll didn't know it, by its front electric winch, still running on the cars battery which was not yet submerged in the ice cold river. The troll was stupid, but not that stupid. It wasn't about to jump in after it. But it could... something sparked in the trolls short term memory.

"Heave!! Heave!!" the boys pulled their Father to the safety of the tree house on the makeshift swing.  
"It's going away!!" yelled Tom in delight. But Rob paled.  
"Pull faster!!" he ordered.  
30 seconds later the troll burst through the ferns just as the swing reached the floor of the tree house. It roared in frustration. Hours later, it still paced below. Every now and then it would prowl away, only to come charging back at the slightest hint of movement. The little family huddled together. Dom shivering and wet, Fergus slipping in and out of consciousness. Waiting. Just waiting. The three boys took it in turns to be on guard, but all were asleep before long.

The sun slipped, unnoticed by most, over the horizon. But as they woke up, the lads cheered and the troll howled, disappearing back into the forest. There would be another day. Especially for the smaller one who caused him pain. There was to be another meeting and indeed fight between Domovoi Butler and that same troll almost 3 decades later. But that is another story. The tiny golden sliver was all it took. They had survived. As soon as they thought it truly safe, Rob and Dom swam back over the river and ran back to the campsite. The troll had been busy. The camp was destroyed. Their belongings strewn all over the clearing. Searching through the debris, Rob found the mobile phone under pair of boxers (he didn't check who's) he called mountain rescue and they headed back to the others.

Two hours later, as his battered jeep was being towed out of the river, Fergus decided to ask who had drove it.

The next day the boys were dropped off at the hospital by their mother while she went to park the car.  
"Hi Dad" they said in unison. He sat up groggily, difficult for two reasons. One, his broken ankle was up in the air in a sling and two, he was on double the painkiller a normal sized person was allowed. "Hi Boys" he said  
They smiled nervously.  
"I guess I owe you. You saved my life. I'm sorry I should have believed you. Now come here!!" he said squeezing them in a bone crushing hug.  
"By the way Roben..."  
Rob gulped, his Father had used his full name. Not good. Then he saw that a grin was playing around the corner of his Dad's mouth.  
"You could have driven it worse you know. I'm proud of you. _All _of you" he said proudly.

The doctors were letting him go home soon. If they knew what was good for them anyway. Apparently he was in for shock and the fact that his leg bone was shattered in 3 places. But as the boys waved goodbye for the day at 6 o'clock that night he was glad he had taken them on the camping trip. He knew now, after surviving a night in a forest with a hungry predator below them, and saving all of their lives that night that they were proper Butlers. What was that creature again? The memory of it was slipping away... later he would blame the medicine and soon after that he could swear there had never been any animal, just the crash. Yes that was it, the crash into the river...

A shimmer of air pressed the communicate button on it's helmet.  
"Okay Foaly I think it's worked."  
"Of course it has"  
"It is this first portable mindwiper, pony-boy so I'm just checking"  
"We aren't wiping, we're only editing it. All they'll remember is a crash. No troll. Tell me I'm a genius Mr Paranoia "  
"Not a chance. I'm up for a promotion next month and if I said that now, you would never let me forget it when I'm the one in charge."  
"Yes sir!!" the centaur said sarcastically "Are you sure you did all four of them?" he added more seriously now.  
"Yes, yes!!I did the MudBoys last night so you can tick the 'MudMen discovering us' box off again _'Mr Paranoia'_ !!"  
"Okay okay!! Better safe than sorry though!! Get back below now Major Root your promotion meeting with the council is in two hours"  
"Will do." Root said checking his monometer. 2 hours. Plenty of time for a quick detour over the Alps.

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**It's a bit longer than I thought it would end up being and OK I lied about there being no fairies in the story a little bit, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise!! Eoin Colfer owns the troll and Root and Foaly too, I can say it now you've read it all!! **

**Hope you liked it!!**

**  
P.S Have you worked out who the troll is/ which troll it is? If not then read book one again!!**


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